How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others: 10 Ways That Actually Help
You were fine this morning. Then you opened your phone. A friend has a new house. A former classmate got promoted. Someone half your age has run a marathon, launched a business and found the love of their life, apparently all this week.
Now you feel behind. Behind on what, exactly, you cannot say.
Comparison is one of the quietest thieves of a good day. Here is why it happens and how to loosen its grip.
Why the mind compares
In 1954, the psychologist Leon Festinger proposed that people have a basic drive to evaluate their opinions and abilities, and when there is no objective measure, they do it by comparing themselves with other people (Festinger, 1954). That is social comparison theory, and decades of research have built on it.
There are two directions:
- Upward comparison: comparing with people who seem better off. It can inspire, but more often it stings.
- Downward comparison: comparing with people who seem worse off. It can comfort, but it can also feed smugness or guilt.
Comparison is not a defect. It is how a social species keeps track of itself. The problem starts when it becomes constant, automatic and a verdict on your worth.
What social media does to comparison
Social media turns occasional comparison into a stream. Most of what we see is a highlight reel: the holiday, not the argument on the way; the promotion, not the years of doubt.
- In a set of studies, people who used Facebook more had lower self-esteem, and this was explained by more upward comparisons. People shown profiles full of upward comparison information had lower self-esteem afterwards (Vogel et al., 2014).
- In an experiment, students who limited social media to about 30 minutes a day for three weeks reported less loneliness and depression than a control group (Hunt et al., 2018).
You are comparing your inside with other people's outside. That is never a fair fight.
Why some people are less bothered
Sonja Lyubomirsky and Lee Ross compared happy and unhappy students. Unhappy students' moods were much more affected by how well a peer did; happy students were far less shaken by others' success (Lyubomirsky & Ross, 1997).
That suggests comparison is partly a mood habit, and habits can change.
Comparison fades when you walk your own path with people who cheer for you. Request to join.
10 ways to stop comparing yourself to others
1. Catch it in the act
Name it when it happens: "I'm comparing." Then ask: "Is this information or a verdict?" Information can help ("she trained for a year; I could start with a 5 km plan"). A verdict cannot ("I'm a failure").
2. Find your triggers
For one week, note when comparison hits hardest. Certain apps? Certain people? Late at night? Sunday evenings? Patterns show you where to act.
3. Curate your feeds
Mute or unfollow accounts that reliably make you feel worse. Follow people who teach, make you laugh, or show real life. You are allowed to protect your attention.
4. Put limits on the scroll
Set a daily time limit, remove apps from the home screen, and keep the phone out of the bedroom. Our digital detox ideas has 40 more.
5. Compare with your past self
The only fair comparison is with who you were. Where were you a year ago? What can you do now that you could not then? Write it down. Growth is easy to miss when it is slow.
6. Turn envy into direction
Envy is painful, but it is also a compass. It points at something you want. Ask: "What exactly do I envy?" Not the person, the thing: the freedom, the skill, the courage. Then turn it into one small goal. Our guide on how to set goals shows how.
7. Remember the hidden chapters
The person whose life looks finished had years you never saw: failures, debts, rejection, luck, help. You are comparing your chapter one with their chapter twenty.
8. Practise gratitude, specifically
Writing down specific things you are thankful for was linked with feeling better about life (Emmons & McCullough, 2003). Gratitude shifts attention from what is missing to what is here. Try our 75 gratitude journal prompts.
9. Be kind to yourself when it stings
Self-compassion means treating yourself as you would a friend: with warmth, remembering that everyone struggles, without drowning in the feeling (Neff, 2003). Unlike self-esteem, it does not depend on being better than anyone. Read self-compassion.
10. Spend time with people, not profiles
Real people are complicated, funny, tired and kind, just like you. Time with them corrects the illusion that everyone else has it figured out. And celebrating a friend's good news, sincerely, is one of the best antidotes to envy.
Comparison in specific areas
| Area | The comparison | A better question |
|---|---|---|
| Career | "They are further ahead at my age." | "What is my next skill to learn?" |
| Money | "They have a bigger house." | "Do I have enough, and what am I building?" |
| Body | "I don't look like that." | "What did my body let me do today?" |
| Relationships | "Their couple looks perfect." | "What do I value in the people I love?" |
| Purpose | "They know what they want." | "What experiment can I try this month?" |
If comparison is mixed with feeling lost about your direction, the complete guide to finding your purpose is the place to go next. If it is eating at your confidence, read how to build confidence.
When comparison is more than a habit
If comparing yourself leaves you feeling worthless most days, if body comparison is changing how you eat, or if you have thoughts of harming yourself, please talk to a doctor or a helpline. In a crisis, call your local emergency number, call or text 988 in the US and Canada, call Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK and Ireland, or find a free helpline at findahelpline.com. See our crisis help page.
A 7-day plan
- Day 1: Notice and name every comparison. Just count them.
- Day 2: Unfollow or mute five accounts that make you feel worse.
- Day 3: Write what you can do now that you could not do a year ago.
- Day 4: Pick one envy and turn it into one small goal.
- Day 5: Send a sincere congratulations to someone you have been envying.
- Day 6: No social media after 8pm.
- Day 7: Write three good things about your own life, with the reason for each.
A task for tonight
Write one sentence: "A year ago, I could not ______. Now I can." Read it before you open any app tomorrow morning.
If you want to walk your own path, at your own pace, with a tribe beside you: request to join.
Walking beside you,
The Chief
Sources
- Festinger, L. (1954). A theory of social comparison processes. Human Relations, 7(2), 117-140. doi.org/10.1177/001872675400700202
- Vogel, E. A., Rose, J. P., Roberts, L. R., & Eckles, K. (2014). Social comparison, social media, and self-esteem. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 3(4), 206-222. doi.org/10.1037/ppm0000047
- Hunt, M. G., Marx, R., Lipson, C., & Young, J. (2018). No more FOMO: Limiting social media decreases loneliness and depression. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 37(10), 751-768. doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2018.37.10.751
- Lyubomirsky, S., & Ross, L. (1997). Hedonic consequences of social comparison: A contrast of happy and unhappy people. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73(6), 1141-1157. doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.73.6.1141
- Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377-389. doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.84.2.377
- Neff, K. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101. doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032
Related reading: How to build confidence · Signs you are on the right path · Quarter-life crisis
Questions
Why do I compare myself to others so much?
Comparing is built into how humans judge themselves. We look at others to see how we are doing, especially when we feel unsure. Social media multiplies the chances to compare and shows mostly highlights, so the habit can become constant and painful.
Is comparing yourself to others ever good?
Sometimes. Looking at someone a few steps ahead can show what is possible and give you ideas. It turns harmful when it becomes a verdict on your worth instead of information for your next step.
How do I stop comparing myself on social media?
Mute or unfollow accounts that reliably make you feel worse, set a daily time limit, keep the phone out of the bedroom, and notice the feeling each time you open the app. Limiting social media to about 30 minutes a day reduced loneliness and depression in one experiment.
How do I stop comparing my relationship or body to others?
Remember you only see a curated slice. Write down what you value in your own relationship or what your body does for you, and spend less time in the places that trigger comparison. If body comparison is causing distress or changes in eating, talk to a doctor.
What is the opposite of comparison?
Many people would say appreciation or contentment: noticing what is good in your own life and progress. Comparing with your past self, rather than other people, is a healthier way to measure growth.
General information for wellbeing, not medical, psychological or financial advice. If you are struggling, see crisis help.