Self-Compassion: How to Be Kind to Yourself (Without Going Soft)
If a friend called you and said, "I failed again. I'm useless. I'll never get this right," you would not answer, "Yes, you are useless." You would say something kind. Something true. Something that helped them try again.
Yet most of us talk to ourselves in exactly that harsh voice, every day, and call it discipline.
Self-compassion is learning to speak to yourself like a good friend would. It is one of the most studied ideas in modern psychology, and it is not soft. It is strength with warmth in it.
What is self-compassion?
Psychologist Kristin Neff, who developed the best-known definition, describes three parts (Neff, 2003):
- Self-kindness vs self-judgement. Being warm and understanding towards yourself when you fail or suffer, instead of attacking yourself.
- Common humanity vs isolation. Remembering that struggle and imperfection are part of being human, not proof that something is uniquely wrong with you.
- Mindfulness vs over-identification. Noticing painful thoughts and feelings clearly, without ignoring them and without being swept away by them.
Self-compassion is not...
- Self-pity. Self-pity says "why me?" Self-compassion says "this is hard, and others feel it too."
- Self-esteem. Self-esteem often depends on being better than others. Self-compassion does not need you to win.
- Letting yourself off the hook. You can be kind to yourself and take responsibility. In fact, it is easier.
What the research says
- Less distress. A meta-analysis found a large association between higher self-compassion and lower depression, anxiety and stress (MacBeth & Gumley, 2012).
- More motivation, not less. In experiments by Juliana Breines and Serena Chen, people who were encouraged to take a self-compassionate view of a failure were more motivated to improve, for example studying longer for a retest after doing badly, than people in comparison groups (Breines & Chen, 2012).
- It can be learned. A meta-analysis of 27 randomised controlled trials found that self-compassion interventions improved a range of outcomes, including self-criticism, rumination, stress, depression and anxiety (Ferrari et al., 2019).
The harsh inner critic feels like it is keeping you in line. Often it is just keeping you afraid.
Kindness for no reason starts at home, inside your own head. If you want a tribe that practises it daily: request to join.
12 ways to be kind to yourself
When you fail
- Talk to yourself like a friend. Ask: "What would I say to someone I love in this exact situation?" Then say it to yourself.
- Separate the act from the person. "I made a mistake" is true. "I am a mistake" is not.
- Ask the useful question. Not "why am I so stupid?" but "what would help next time?"
- Use the "never miss twice" rule. A missed workout or a broken streak is one day. Come back the next day without a lecture.
When you are struggling
- The self-compassion pause. Put a hand on your chest if it helps, and say three sentences: "This is a moment of struggle. Struggle is part of life. May I be kind to myself right now."
- Name the feeling. "I feel ashamed." "I feel lonely." Naming a feeling gives you a little distance from it.
- Remember common humanity. Millions of people feel what you are feeling today. You are not the only one who finds this hard.
- Meet a basic need: water, food, rest, fresh air. Kindness is often practical.
Every day
- Write a letter to yourself from the point of view of a wise, loving friend who knows all your flaws and accepts you anyway.
- Notice your inner critic's words. Write down one harsh sentence you say to yourself, then rewrite it in a kinder, truer way.
- Keep a "done" list, not only a to-do list. At night, write three things you did, however small.
- Be kind to someone else. Kindness to others and to yourself grow together. Try one idea from our random act of kindness generator.
Self-compassion and discipline
Many people fear that if they stop being hard on themselves, they will stop trying. The evidence points the other way. Self-criticism tends to make failure feel dangerous, so we avoid trying. Self-compassion makes failure survivable, so we try again.
This is how we approach discipline in the tribe: high standards, gentle voice. Read how to be more disciplined and how to motivate yourself with this in mind.
When self-criticism is very loud
If your inner voice is constantly cruel, if you feel worthless most days, or if you have thoughts of harming yourself, please talk to a doctor or a mental health professional. Self-help is a start, not a substitute.
If you are in danger right now, call your local emergency number. In the US and Canada, call or text 988. In the UK and Ireland, call Samaritans on 116 123. In Australia, call Lifeline on 13 11 14. Elsewhere: findahelpline.com or our crisis help page.
A task for today
Think of one thing you are hard on yourself about. Write it at the top of a page. Below it, write what you would say to a friend who told you the same thing. Read it twice. That is self-compassion. It gets easier with practice.
If you want daily tasks that are kind to others and to yourself, and a tribe that lives this way: request to join.
Walking beside you,
The Chief
Sources
- Neff, K. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85-101. doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032
- MacBeth, A., & Gumley, A. (2012). Exploring compassion: A meta-analysis of the association between self-compassion and psychopathology. Clinical Psychology Review, 32(6), 545-552. doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2012.06.003
- Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133-1143. doi.org/10.1177/0146167212445599
- Ferrari, M., Hunt, C., Harrysunker, A., Abbott, M. J., Beath, A. P., & Einstein, D. A. (2019). Self-compassion interventions and psychosocial outcomes: A meta-analysis of RCTs. Mindfulness, 10(8), 1455-1473. doi.org/10.1007/s12671-019-01134-6
Related reading: How to be a kinder person · The benefits of kindness · How to stop overthinking
Questions
What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a good friend when you fail or suffer. Psychologist Kristin Neff describes three parts: self-kindness instead of harsh self-judgement, common humanity instead of feeling alone, and mindfulness instead of being swept away by painful thoughts.
Is self-compassion the same as self-esteem?
No. Self-esteem is about judging yourself positively, often by comparing yourself with others. Self-compassion does not require you to feel better than anyone; it is about how you treat yourself when things go wrong.
Does self-compassion make you lazy?
Research suggests the opposite. In experiments, people encouraged to be self-compassionate after a failure were more motivated to improve, for example studying longer for a retest, than people who were simply encouraged to feel good about themselves.
How can I practise self-compassion?
When you are struggling, try a short pause: name the feeling ('this is hard'), remember that others feel this too ('I am not the only one'), and offer yourself a kind sentence ('may I be patient with myself'). Writing yourself a letter as a friend would is another well-known exercise.
General information for wellbeing, not medical, psychological or financial advice. If you are struggling, see crisis help.