Journal · Loneliness and belonging
How to Deal With Loneliness: Gentle Steps Back Towards People
If you are in crisis: if you are thinking about harming yourself or feel unsafe, please contact your local emergency number now. Free, confidential helplines in your country are listed at findahelpline.com. In the US, call or text 988 (988lifeline.org). In the UK and Ireland, call Samaritans free on 116 123 (samaritans.org). You do not have to go through this alone.
Loneliness has a particular sound. It is the silence after you close the front door. The phone that does not ring on a Sunday. The laughter of a group at the next table, and the strange ache it leaves behind.
If you are feeling that tonight, I want you to know two things. First: you are far from the only one. Second: loneliness is not a verdict on your worth. It is a signal, like hunger or thirst, telling you that you need something human. And signals can be answered.
You are not alone in being alone
In 2025, the World Health Organization's Commission on Social Connection reported that roughly 1 in 6 people worldwide are affected by loneliness, and linked it to an estimated 871,000 deaths a year (WHO, 2025). In 2023, the US Surgeon General issued an advisory calling loneliness and isolation a public health concern (Office of the US Surgeon General, 2023).
A major meta-analysis of 148 studies found that people with stronger social relationships had about a 50% greater likelihood of survival over the study periods than those with weaker ones (Holt-Lunstad, Smith & Layton, 2010).
I share these numbers not to frighten you but to honour what you feel. Loneliness is not self-pity. It matters. And because it matters, it deserves real, practical attention.
Loneliness plays tricks on the mind
One of the cruel things about loneliness is that it can change how we see other people. When we have been lonely for a while, we may start to expect rejection, read neutral faces as unfriendly, and hold back to protect ourselves. That makes connecting harder, which deepens the loneliness.
Researchers who reviewed interventions for loneliness found that approaches addressing these patterns of social thinking tended to be more effective than simply increasing opportunities for contact (Masi et al., 2011). In plain words: it helps to gently question the story loneliness tells you, as well as putting yourself in the way of people.
Ten gentle steps
1. Name it without shame
Say it to yourself: I am lonely right now. Not "I am unlovable" or "nobody cares". Just the feeling, named accurately. Feelings that are named become smaller and clearer.
2. Question the story
When you notice thoughts like they wouldn't want to hear from me, treat them as guesses, not facts. Studies on talking with strangers found people consistently underestimate how much others enjoy connecting with them (Epley & Schroeder, 2014). The other person may be waiting for someone to go first, too.
3. Send one small message
Not a grand reunion. One line to someone you used to be close to: I was thinking of you today. How are you? Small reaches are low risk, and they are how connections are rebuilt.
4. Become a regular somewhere
The same café, the same park bench, the same library, the same gym class at the same time. Familiar faces turn into nods, nods into hellos, hellos into conversations. Belonging often begins with simply being seen repeatedly.
If you're searching, we may be what you're looking for: request to join.
5. Join something with a shared task
It is easier to talk while doing something together. A walking group, a choir, a volunteering shift, a sports team, a faith community, a class. The shared activity carries the conversation when you are not sure what to say.
6. Help someone
Loneliness folds us inward. Helping turns us outward. Volunteering, checking on an elderly neighbour or helping a colleague creates connection with a purpose, and reminds you that you have something to give.
7. Look after the basics
Loneliness feels heavier when you are exhausted, hungry or have not been outside for days. A walk in daylight, a proper meal and a regular bedtime will not make loneliness disappear, but they give you more strength to reach out.
8. Be careful with the scroll
Social media can connect us, but endless scrolling through other people's gatherings can sharpen the ache. Notice how you feel after using it. Use it to arrange real contact, not just to watch other people's.
9. Be patient with depth
Close friendship takes time, often many hours spent together (see how to make friends as an adult). Early meetings may feel shallow. That is normal. Depth grows with repetition.
10. Talk to someone trained to listen
If loneliness has settled in for a long time, or comes with low mood, a doctor, counsellor or helpline can help. Reaching out to a professional is not admitting defeat. It is an act of courage and self-respect.
Tonight
If you can do only one thing tonight, do this:
Write down the name of one person who has been kind to you in the past, however long ago. Send them a short message. You do not need a reason. You can say, "You crossed my mind and I wanted to say hello."
And if no name comes to mind, that is all right too. Then your one thing is this: tomorrow, go somewhere with other people, a café, a park, a library, and stay for twenty minutes. Smile at one person. That is enough for one day.
You are a tree in a wide field at dusk. It looks lonely from a distance. But underground, roots reach further than anyone can see. There are people out there looking for exactly the kind of company you can offer. We are some of them.
If you're searching, we may be what you're looking for: request to join.
You are not alone in this,
The Chief
If you are struggling right now, please reach out: your local emergency number, findahelpline.com, 988 (US), or Samaritans 116 123 (UK and Ireland).
Sources
- World Health Organization (2025). Social connection linked to improved health and reduced risk of early death (news release, Commission on Social Connection). who.int
- Office of the US Surgeon General (2023). Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation. hhs.gov (PDF)
- Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: a meta-analytic review. PLoS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316. doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316
- Masi, C. M., Chen, H. Y., Hawkley, L. C., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2011). A meta-analysis of interventions to reduce loneliness. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 15(3), 219-266. doi.org/10.1177/1088868310377394
- Epley, N., & Schroeder, J. (2014). Mistakenly seeking solitude. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 143(5), 1980-1999. doi.org/10.1037/a0037323
Related reading: How to make friends as an adult · How to find a sense of belonging · Random acts of kindness ideas
Questions
Is it normal to feel lonely?
Yes. The World Health Organization estimates that about 1 in 6 people worldwide are affected by loneliness. Feeling lonely is a common human signal that we need more or deeper connection, not a personal failing.
What is the difference between loneliness and being alone?
Being alone is a situation; loneliness is a feeling. You can be alone and content, or surrounded by people and lonely. Loneliness is the gap between the connection you have and the connection you want.
What helps loneliness the most?
Research on loneliness interventions suggests that working on how we think about social situations (for example, expecting rejection) can be especially helpful, alongside creating chances to connect. Small, regular contact and shared activities often help more than waiting for one big friendship.
When should I get help for loneliness?
If loneliness comes with persistent low mood, hopelessness, or thoughts of harming yourself, please reach out now to a doctor, your local emergency number, or a free helpline listed at findahelpline.com (988 in the US; Samaritans on 116 123 in the UK and Ireland).
General information for wellbeing, not medical, psychological or financial advice. If you are struggling, see crisis help.